Archive | June 2018

Marital Sexual Abuse

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“I had never enjoyed sex with my husband in the 8years of our marriage”.
Those were the first words my client blurted out as she sank into her seat in my office today. Hers, is just one of the many of such counselling cases I had to work with in recent times.
Mr.k had asked, “how do I convince my wife that sex once a month is punishment for me?”

It’s amazing the number of men and women (especially) going through a form of Sexual abuse in their marriages but rarely report it. Some because they have been conditioned to accept it while some are not even aware whats happening to them is an abuse.

How do we identify Sexual abuse in marriage? What makes a man or woman succum to sexual abuse or rape in marriage? What can be done about it? These are the questions I want to explore in this post and others…

Its really sad when something meant to give pleasure and enjoyment becomes a source of pain and distress. The main place across culture and race where sex is legalized and expected to be enjoyed most is in marriage but unfortunately for many it is the opposite. The enthusiasm in which many look forward into marriage turns into horror when sex is abused and turns out sour or violent.

Sexual abuse in marriage occurs when spouses make demands on their partners that are not based on love but selfishness, entitlement mentality or punishment. Most complaint of sexual abuse in marriage had been made by women.

According to Darby Strickland in her blog on Sex Abuse in Marriage (on CCEF site), she explained that, the men who abuses their wives are oftened troubled individuals, themselves. That they usually have deep-seated problems including a non-existence relationship with God (even though they often use the scriptures ie. 1 Corin. 7:4-5 to bring their wives into subjection) and an inflated sense of entitlement. They believe that other people (including their wives) exist for them—for their comfort and to meet their needs, including sexual ones. When their wives fail to respond as desired, it often results in a pattern of coercive and punishing behaviors designed to force their compliance.

Identifying Sexual Abuse in Marriage

1. A husband insisting for or putting pressure on a wife for sex with a frequency that the wife is struggling to keep up with. It must always be when he wants it, regardless of if the woman wants it or is ready at that time. Here, a spouse uses various gimmicks to put pressure even blaming the wife for making him do pornography or have extra marital affair. The man here is a bully and would often use threats like threatening to leave, find another woman, withholding funds etc

2. Sometimes the situation and circumstances around a woman may make her decline sex i.e child-caring, illness, stress etc and when the husband insist on sex regardless of the wife’s feelings, then it’s an abuse. If the husband ignores the tears rolling or the extremely warm temperature of the wife’s body. Many women had learnt to just lay there and let him have his way…some for religious reasons or cultural teachings. They feel used and unhappy.

3. When one of the spouses (ie.wife) is uncomfortable with a particular sexual act, style or practise and the partner insists on engaging in it. When a wife is complaining of a hurt or pain during sexual acts and the husband acts unconcerned, insist on having his way or disregard her complain. In some cases she cannot or dare not voice her complaints.

4.The worst sexual violation is rape, but there are many types of violation. Among them are sexual acts performed while someone is sleeping or intoxicated, unwanted sexual touch, being forced to engage in an unwanted act to avoid another abuse, or a husband ignoring tears or other expressions of discomfort. Marital rape is attached majorly to an entitlement mindset, to show superiosity or punishment. It’s really sad how many, even law enforcement officers disregard marital rape.

Marriage does not equal sexual consent. It does not obligate spouses to participate in any sexual act at any time. But devastatingly, many women especially Christian women have come to believe that sex-on-demand is their “wifely duty.” Thus, they have a hard time separating being violated from what they have come to believe is their wifely-duty.

 What really is God stand about all these?

Are we identifying these behaviors for what they are—abuse?

Read up more on Darby Strickland’s blog “Sexual Abuse in Marriage” from http://www.ccef.org

Drop you questions below

Till next post on why spouses endure sexual abuse…

I honor you