Archive | June 2015

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO HIDE? – what are you hidding ?4

f16efa3c21ab29917f2b0444bc54a14fI was taking a class of counsellors during the week on Disclosure in counselling and at some point we talked about the counsellor’s vulnerabilities, what to disclose, why, impact and the need to deal with it a forehand.

My class went into a frenzy haze as they looked at me with some fearful and blank eyes. Soon a lady found her voice and asked, ‘What if you want to keep that part of you private?’ ‘what if its something you are still struggling with?’

Before I could respond, another lady chipped in, ‘would clients have confidence in you if your weaknesses are laid bear to all?’

In response, I looked at them, told them to pick their pen and answer these questions…

‘What would happen if you come open and bare?’

‘What would happen if you do not come open?’

‘What would not happen if you come open?’

‘What would not happen if you do not come open?’

Right now, I guess you are also THINKING…

Let me share with you, one person’s response. She wrote,

1.  If I come open and bare it all, I will be free to be me and know I have nothing to be used against me or catch me unaware but my family may feel shocked and embarrassed and I might lose some friends/relationship . People may begin to identify me with it.

2. If I do not come open, what will happen I guess is I will keep on feeling tight and uncomfortable about it as I do now with the fear that some day somebody may disclose it.

3. If I come open, it will not happen that my family will disown me nor would I lose my job nor my special friends. My focus, dreams and goals in life will not change or be affected. I will not be afraid of what people think of me anymore. None will be anything to use against me or catch me unaware/embarrassed.

4. If I do not come open, I guess I will never be totally free, I will not be able to do everything I dreamt to achieve, I will not be able to help everyone I actually can help, particularly in that area am hiding. If I do not come open, I guess others may never know I went through that and I can help them go through it. I may never experience the totally contentment to die empty. My abusers will never be punished for their crimes. The world may never know me for it and I may never know the gain of my pains if I do not come open.

She actually read her write-up out to the class and by the time she got to the fourth answer she was actually sobbing.

Take it from me, there are much things you lose out by hiding than by coming out. At every point over the years, when I have personally had to share the story of my abuse as a child, my rape as a young girl, my insecurities as a teenager, my trip into lesbianism, my flaws, my weaknesses, my injured esteem, my struggles in marriage, my challenges with parenting(I have got 4 kids) and my redemption, my journey into self discovery/knowledge, my passion to fight my pain and hatred, my love to have others healed from their wounds as I did…many people had come up to meet me with tears, sometimes smiling or sent emails testifying on how my story had led them on the path of healing.

You are not alone in your struggle, coming out might even be a quicker means for you to overcome that struggle. Your pain often times, isn’t just for you but for others too. Just like my class of counsellors agreed at the end of our class.

I need you to ignore those who will castigate you, they are few… yes! FEW! …yet there are SEVERAL out there who needs your story to have HOPE, focus on them.

Shame your SHAME! Dam your FEARS!

Its not strong enough to hold you down. Take a step today, call that someone, write that story, disclose that pain/struggle, confront that fear! Like someone said “…DON’T BE AFRIAD OF BEING DIFFERENT, BE AFRIAD OF BEING THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE”

You are destined for greatness…

I would love to read from you as you CONFRONT those things you are hiding, placing it besides those 4 questions above and sharing your discovery. Leave a comment below, let me know what you think.

I honor you

This entry was posted on June 11, 2015. 1 Comment

WHAT ARE YOU HIDDING 3

Traffic in Lagos, Nigeria is always an interesting place to be…oh my God!

Today, just this morning at about 7.23am as I manoeuvre my car, struggling to find a space on the road. The car before me had just suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. As I swerve to my right, horning full blast(that’s Lagos for you) I wind down the right side window to appeal to the man in the next car to give me space to move out.

Just then, right about the same moment he accelerated and shouted at me in pidgin English “…I no care if you be woman, I no care at all ooo…I no go give you chance, in fact because you be woman, na so I no go give you chance”

Whoa! Aren’t you wondering as I did ‘ what’s wrong with him?’ ‘What does he have against women?’

I couldn’t help the big funny look that crept into my face as he drove by, do not forget we are total strangers and we are heading to different places.

Many times our insecurities pops up in the least expected places or situation. We might had master the act of concealing it but it has a way of sneaking out when you aren’t watching. I tell you, that can be a big deal!

Some weeks ago, I was commuting in a bus with other passengers when a quarrel erupted between the driver and a female passenger. In the exchange of words, the driver had called her a ‘prostitute’

oh my God!!!!!

Fire literally came down from heaven, as this woman(beautiful and well dressed) began to scream, cry, using foul words and rain curses on the driver. Other passengers tried to pacify her to no avail, till we got to the bus stop and she had to alight. Coincidentally, I had to alight at the same bus stop. We were heading towards the same direction so I felt its polite to chat her up…

Image result for pictures of two african women walking and talkingHere is our brief talk…

“Ma’am, if it okay by you. I just want to say I salute your courage to stand up against that driver’s bullying.”

“its okay…” she responded, walking briskly besides me “…I just couldn’t help answering him”

“Yeah, just take a deep breath and try to relax…” I said, in a bid to console her, “… its one of those things.”

She stopped suddenly in her tracks , turned and said “…Even my kids at home, I had told them this prostitution I do is not easy nor convenient for me. Sleeping with few rich men is just so I can put food on our table, Am ashamed of the way I responded to that driver…”

Whoa!

SHE WAS ACTUALLY PROSTITUTING! Am 99% certain the bus driver wasn’t aware of this fact, he only used it as an abusive word during their banter. No wonder, he was wondering like everyone else in the bus ‘why was she reacting this way?’

She was prostituting… and so when he called her a prostitute, he hit a nerve…uncovering her insecurities and she couldn’t control the outburst.

That’s it! As I have pointed out previously, You cannot hide those insecurities forever, it will always find a way of sneaking out…then it can be embarrassing.

So deal with it before it deals with you. There is no situation that can not be addressed. Get a counsellor, get a therapist. Keep searching till you find help, do not give up on your self…

YOUR BEST IS YET TO COME…

I honor you

What are you Hiding 2

Don’t know if you are like me, but time again I struggle with tears whenever, I feel someone is putting me down. I can’t seem to control the tears when I feel belittled.

imageRecently , a man hit my car, Volkswagen golf 3 with his 4 Runner Jeep. One of my front light was broken, it’s was on my way to work, so we exchanged numbers to catch up later. By evening we agreed he would replace my light the next day. I drove down to meet him that morning, his wife, his driver and his mechanic.

The wife started by saying, she wants to educate me on road-driving in case of next time…and she went on and on. I kept quiet. One of their relatives came and said ‘is this the car,(hissed) how much is the car worth itself talk less of the light. I was caught off guard, I couldn’t hold back, I answered him and the tears came gushing.

I want to be able to answer back when challenged without crying. I understand to an opponent, shedding tears is a sign of weakness. I don’t want to appear weak when confronting. My consolation was that I answered back. Maybe, I shouldn’t have, maybe, I should have kept ignoring him, but I couldn’t. He kept talking and talking at me, getting angry, and am wondering what right had he to be angry with me? I should be the one angry. He HIT my car. No matter how little it is, it’s still mine.

imageDoes your tears flow freely as well? Do you sometimes feel cheated or incapacitated? Do you feel belittled or inadequate?
Do you know these are ‘feelings’ that’s got nothing to Do with who or where? It’s you. You only know what is hidden in you that had been momentarily touched.

The other person is confused and wondering ‘what’s wrong with her, why the tears’?
You know, this isn’t referring to tears shed to draw attention, or breed a sense of guilt in the other person. It’s tears flowing when you are angry or upset. You just like me, wants to be about to carry a straight face when upset or a sense of wrong had been committed against you.

By and large,  what are you hiding? What is it that only you seems to know about you?

Believe me, let go and free yourself. No one is perfect…and you are no exception. Focus on your self and emotional intelligence.

Starting with the later, emotional intelligence is in four parts. Self awareness, self mastery, social awareness and social mastery. Self awareness is the state of knowing your emotions and what triggers it.

What are hiding? What gets you angry or upset?, when, where and who? Identifying the triggers is a plus in being self-informed or self-aware. When you identify your triggers and how to manage it positively that’s self mastery.

Many of us, are not yet self aware, and when we are, we struggle with mastering or controlling these emotions. How then can we gain mastery?

To be continued..

I honor you.

Timi Oyebode
Counselor/Therapist
(NLP Master Practitioner)

Emotional Empowerment Session for Women

Whoa!

Our Emotional Empowerment session for women is here again SATURDAY, 13th June 2015.

Its Attitude Development International event to awaken women to their power, potentials and Purpose.

Dealing with disturbing emotions like fear, anger, worry, tension, anxiety, depression, hatred, jealousy, insult, frustrations, physical ache, heart ache and pains.

In view are empowering talks and techniques, stimulating videos, and documentaries, discussions, inductive and immersion accelerated learning as well as opportunities for networking and constructive collaborations for local and global change.

You cannot afford to miss it.

Venue: St. Georges Private School

Oremeji bus stop Alagbole- Akute

Ogun State Nigeria

Time: 8.30am to 11am

Entrance: FREE (invite another woman along)

….finding your life and happiness all over again.

Your host,

Timi Oyebode

The Counselor